1.2 – Dismissed

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“So.” Nora sat down and smiled at me. “What was the message about? You look happy.” She said it like she was surprised.

We were kind of friends now but I still found her nosiness a bit annoying. Kinda weird too. Unlike her questions about my aunt and dad, though, this I didn’t really mind answering. “It was that guy from two nights ago. Dominik. He wants to take me out someplace.”

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Nora rolled her eyes. “Sarai, I swear to God, that guy’s an – well you’re not gonna get anywhere by wasting your time on-”

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“Did I ask for your opinion?” I snapped at her. Another annoying thing: her constant attempts to insert herself into my personal life. We were just roommates. Close acquaintances. And there wasn’t anything wrong with this, or me. Dominik was definitely hot, it wasn’t the lighting, and I know what I want. She could talk to me when she found a guy for herself, right? Then she’d actually know what she was going on about…

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“OK. Damn. I guess I’ll…just go.” Nora held up her hands and walked into the kitchen. “Just make sure – don’t get hurt, OK-”

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“Everything’s fine, Nora.”

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I checked myself in the mirror, one last time. Looking good… as nice I could, anyway. Hopefully that would be nice enough. There was no use not appearing as my best self, no matter what Nora said. What did she know?

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Psych major, psych major, said an insistent little voice in the back of my head. Nora was smart as hell and could be pretty damn good at reading people. But it still didn’t matter. What does she know?


 

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Dominik seemed functional and had his shit together. He talked about attending law school, and wouldn’t stop asking me about what I was doing. I ended up rambling about my yoga instructing, and occasional modelling.

“You seem so ambitious.” he’d said. “Driven. That’s really great.”

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He shouldn’t have been so fucking impressed, what’s my career compared to law? Who wouldn’t think that? It was kind of nice that he seemed to genuinely think highly of all that crap…but maybe it was the model thing (even if it isn’t a huge deal, and it’s only ever for weird fitness magazines people barely even buy). What guy doesn’t want to tell all their buddies that they’re fucking a model?

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That must have been it, because otherwise what would he want with me? It was…it was stupid to think otherwise.

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“How was it?” Nora asked, the next morning, over breakfast.

“Fine.” I answered.

“Are you gonna see him again?”

“Maybe.” I was telling the truth; I actually kinda wanted to.


 

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Even after two days, I kept catching myself staring at my phone, cursing myself for thinking that I’d see him again. I was wrong. He wasn’t genuine about anything, and guys didn’t want to say they were fucking a model. They wanted to say they fucked her.

And then they didn’t text…not that I needed him to. It would have just been nice, right? Still, I’m an idiot, and I should have known better. What comes from bar meet-ups?

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I always told myself my flings wouldn’t last, whenever I met someone new…and when things didn’t end that quickly, the guys suddenly started acting like I was so fucking great. Trying to get close. And most of the time, I really, really don’t want them to do that. It just doesn’t work…I know it doesn’t work, so soon enough, I leave. Was it preferable for them to ditch me or start clinging on?

That I don’t really know…


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“So…” I sat on the edge of the bed. That had been fun. It was always nice, to be so close to someone. “Should we do this again sometime?”

“That’s alright…” Matt grunted.

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“Um…”

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“Maybe don’t stay over.” He waved me off. I was being post-coitally dismissed. I’d fucked him and now…goodbye, Sarai.

What had I expected?

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I huddled up into a ball and stared at my feet. I felt so used. But not surprised. I always made the same mistakes, with the same guys who didn’t give a shit about me.

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Matt huffed and rolled his eyes. “You can stay if you want…I’d rather not though.”

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Well, I wasn’t going to stick around. I knew when I wasn’t wanted, and this was one of those times, so I quickly threw on my dress and jacket. I stuck my finger up at him as I put on my shoes, glaring as I left the room. “Fuck you, asshole!”

I barely fought off tears the whole walk home. Don’t cry, he isn’t worth it. Every time I knew what I was getting into and that of course it wouldn’t end well. Men could be such dicks, but I was aware of that.

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There’s always someone else, I thought, but it made me feel worse. I’m so fucking tired…but I can’t be alone. Loneliness was something I feared but people never stuck around, or they ruined everything, or I was the ruiner. So I just found more of them.

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“Hey Becca!”

“Sar-”

I ran past my latest roommate. She was so sweet, and always asked shit like Sarai, how are you, tell me everything and should we have like, girl talk or something? But I didn’t want her to see me cry! I’d look like a fucking idiot. She’d definitely think so, she’d think I was weird or weak, and we’d probably stop hanging out. I might have to find another roommate. That was a slog. No, I definitely couldn’t let her see me like this.

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You’re like, the coolest, Sarai…you’re so confident…a model! Did someone supposedly like that fucking cry in front of other people? Of course not. Becca appeared to think well of me, and I wasn’t going to change that.

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My phone beeped. A text from some guy who’d attended my yoga class last week. Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I’d known I’d need him eventually, even as things heated up with Matt. I was onto the next. So I made sure I’d gotten rid of any urge to cry, and started to write back.

6 thoughts on “1.2 – Dismissed

  1. Ohhh…she is trying to fill a void with one night stands. 😥 So sad. Soon, someone will come along and figure her out. I hope. ❤️

    Like

  2. Poor girl, she seems like she has some serious issues. My favorite singer, Marina and the Diamonds, wrote in one of her songs: “God knows that sex is a way to feel a little bit less lonely”. I guess it works for her…kinda.

    Liked by 1 person

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