1.9 – Drained

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“Sarai, it’s…it’s complicated with you…”

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It should have been suspect when he took me out to a diner and told me it was a ‘casual’ thing. He never did casual things with me. That would have usually sent me running. It would all get too much…but it was OK when he was the one being not-casual because I was…super-into him. I had butterflies and got nervous and all of that shit, like I was doing this all for the first time. Even though I’m obviously way past the first time…

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“I just don’t think we’re really clicking.”

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But I thought so. That didn’t matter…if he said we were done we were done. It always ended and I was always left feeling so alone…I let someone get close and it didn’t work out, and I shouldn’t have expected it to, because that would be crazy. Why should I-

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“Sarai?” Kobe put his hand on my shoulder. “Sarai, I’m sorry. You’re really cool…but I’m just…not feeling that spark. I want to, but…” He trailed off.

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Ha, why would he want that?

“I felt it.” I whispered.

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Fuck. He heard, and he was looking at me, like I was something to be pitied. Which was the worst, because people always seemed to do it to me. I didn’t need their pity. And normally I’d tell them so. But I didn’t even have the energy to do it. All the fight fell right out of me at ‘we’re not clicking’.

“Just go.” Damn, it felt bad. I couldn’t even lift my head or say another word to him.

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“OK, OK, you need a ride?”

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I didn’t need his pity or his car and I wanted to tell him where to get off, but all I could do was shake my head. He nodded once at me and left.

The entire bus ride home I was biting my lip and clenching my fists, thinking don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry. I was so fucking miserable.

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Normally I got angry. But there wasn’t anything to get mad about. He hadn’t gone over the top or just up-and-left, like all the other guys. Anger was pointless. I just felt tired and gloomy. Drained.

Kobe, he was amazing, and I wasn’t good enough, I never was, and I must have driven him away. Somewhere in my mind I knew it wouldn’t last. That was a pattern in my life, and how could this one guy who I liked a little more than all the others change that?

I almost managed to convince myself it was different this time. Fucking idiot.


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“Cl-clarissa?” I stuttered into the phone. “You know how I said…I said that I didn’t want to come over, for my twenty-third…but I think…I can now.” I sniffled and wiped another tear.

“You’re twenty-three years old. Stop wailing and toughen up.” Clarissa chided. “And of course I’m your second choice, huh Sarai? Everything I spent on you and you can’t come over unless it suits you. Your poor mother…you think she’s pleased with how you treat me?”

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I started crying properly, gasping with tears running down my face. “I…just can’t be alone tonight.”

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“So you come crawling back to me for the first time in nine months. But alright. You’re like a daughter to me, y’know… You can come over. See you at 7.”

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Everybody I had, which was actually one person, had gone now. Apart from Clarissa. She was always there, and she would never miss my phone calls. For some reason, she kept me around; she was available all the fucking time. And I kind of did use her as a last resort…

Yeah, there was a fucking reason for that!

I already regretted inviting myself over, but…too late.


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No-one liked my yoga classes today, I could tell. I wasn’t functioning right. Normally after a relationship went wrong, I got to make a statement. I would say everything on my mind. Or run and run, until endorphins took over. Then most likely find someone else. Last night I couldn’t dredge up the will to do any of that. I just huddled under my covers like a good-for-nothing layabout. 

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Alexis knew something was up. “Are you OK? I saw you crying and you were back from your date early…I thought things were going great, you said-”

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“I was wrong. And – never mind. It’s alright. I’m good now.”

“But you really-”

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“I’m OK, Alexis!”

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She reared back. “Alright, Jesus. It’s not that bad, y’know. To cry. People cry and-” Scowling, she stopped and fixed me with an angry glare. “Honestly, what’s up with you? You’re pretty weird. It’s like-” Then she just stood up, and walked away.

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Shame overwhelmed me.She’d peeled back every layer and found the real me. Someone who’s emotionally weak, who can’t keep a handle on herself. Weird, not the successful and attractive model and fitness instructor I’m supposed to be. Well, I guess I’m all of that…and some.

And Alexis…maybe she didn’t like me. I thought we were friends…kind of.

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Maybe she was trying to help, said a little voice inside my head. She knew how wrong things went last night. How could that possibly help? Now I felt so much worse. Things might be awkward now. Maybe I’d leave yet another apartment, without a scene this time. That would be nice.

Or maybe I could stay and…but no. Things are not going to change, I snapped at myself, so stop thinking they could! You thought about this last year and nothing ever –

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Because I’m weak, and in a way all of this is…well, it’s still easier than doing anything differently…


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“You’re looking… alright, Sarai.”

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I sighed and folded my arms. “Same to you.”

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Clarissa laughed, in her typical fake, harsh, slightly barking manner. “Nice, dear. Nice. Any more success with the agency, got jobs? I suppose not, or you would have been going on and on about it at this point…”

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She was right. And that just made my recent lack of success sting. Why’d she have to bring that up, on my birthday of all days?

I squirmed, realising that I didn’t really want to be here, at all. Not if she was going to be like this. But it was my birthday and right now, she was all I had.

4 thoughts on “1.9 – Drained

  1. Ouch…she opens herself a tiny bit, but got hurt. And Clarissa- just ugh…. I worry that she’s getting so depressed she’s not going to be able to,pull herself out of it without help which she won’t accept.

    Liked by 1 person

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