1.13 – Good Parents

05-20-18_8:51:00 PM.jpg

Nervousness brewed within me as I approached the door. Lela and Darren Fox had chosen to meet at their house in the suburb of Willow Creek. It took me two different subways, a bus, and in total an hour and a half to reach the place.

05-20-18_8:52:39 PM.jpg

This has to work, I realised. I felt a wave of nausea come over me, and I knew it wasn’t just the ever-present morning sickness. This would be a hard decision, one I had to make for him or her, and what if I fucked it up…I fuck a lot up. I could very well end up handing my own child the wrong people… but who could be worse than you, snickered that familiar mocking voice.

Instead of running off like I almost wanted to do, I forced my feet to stay grounded, straightened up, put on a smile and knocked on the door.

05-20-18_8:54:27 PM.jpg

“Hi!” Lela opened the door, stepped out and flung her arms around me. I immediately stiffened. Hugs always feel kinda weird to me…especially when coming from total strangers. “I’m so glad to meet you…” She gestured at the living room. “Come, sit!”

I did so.

05-20-18_9:00:16 PM.jpg

There was an awkward silence for a few seconds, so I started talking. “Uh…uh, hi. You might know, but…um, my name is Sarai Hayes, and-” I stopped speaking. What was I supposed to say? ‘I want to give my baby to you two, please let me?’ Though…I’d obviously only choose them if everything was to my liking…but what do I even want?

05-20-18_9:02:02 PM.jpg

Lela nodded. “It’s nice to meet you, Sarai. Do you have questions…or should I start?”

05-20-18_9:03:44 PM.jpg

“You can go.” I managed. My voice was strangled and squeaking. It felt like my throat was closing up.

05-20-18_9:04:06 PM.jpg

“Well, I suppose I don’t have so many questions. I’d just like to know…well, are you healthy? Are you getting the right prenatal care? Believe me, Darren and I would do anything to help you out.” She and Darren wore wide, eager smiles, and looking at them made me realise my mistake could become their joy.

05-20-18_9:05:21 PM.jpg

I cleared my throat. “Yes. My insurance is alright…” Though it might go up. I should really pay closer attention to that. “And, uh, I work as a fitness instructor and I don’t drink, smoke or take any drugs, nor have I ever.” I continued.

05-20-18_9:06:09 PM.jpg

Lela’s eyes widened. “Wow, that’s…great. Right?” She turned to Darren.

“Yes, that’s good…assuming it’s the truth.” I wanted to protest that, but he had a point. Most normal people drink, they aren’t stuck in some vendetta against one driver and it’s a obviously a social thing too…and since when am I any good at that? “And are you sure we can’t help with the healthcare-?”

05-20-18_9:07:44 PM.jpg

I quickly shook my head. “Of course not.” It would be so great to have their help, money will be getting tight…but that was all my fault. Lela and Darren Fox were doing me a favour; I shouldn’t ask for money from them. Even though they can afford it, it’s the principal…

05-20-18_9:08:16 PM.jpg

I just had to sign over all my parental rights and…it would be best for everyone. They would have the child they desperately wanted, my baby – or the baby, he or she certainly wouldn’t be mine – would grow up in a good home, with two functional parents…

That would leave me…well, it didn’t matter. Exactly, came the sneering thought, why should anyone give a fuck about you? You’ll just-

05-20-18_9:08:58 PM.jpg

“I’m sure you have questions.” Lela brought me back into the moment. How the hell did I zone out during this kind of meeting anyway…what is wrong with you, Sarai? I shouted it at myself, in my head. It sounded like Clarissa.

But smiley, bubbly Lela seemed less likely than Clarissa – or me – to be that way, and say all that shit. “Yes, I do have questions.” I replied.

05-20-18_9:09:31 PM.jpg

I asked most of the questions Myra had suggested, and as Lela (and occasionally Darren) gave me answers – they were all the right ones – a confusing mixture of pain and relief washed over me.

05-20-18_9:10:37 PM.jpg

Relief made sense. Lela and Darren seemed to be enthusiastic, kind and cheerful people, not to mention high-earners with savings and a house in the suburbs, and they’ll provide such a good life… but with every reassuring answer they gave…it was sinking in. I’d have to give the baby up. It was happening. And I’d known for a little while…pull it together, this isn’t a surprise, I thoughtshaking my head at my own damn irrationality.

05-20-18_9:16:02 PM.jpg

Thinking of surrendering all my rights and letting another couple raise my child made my heart hurt. It was a hollow pain in my chest and stomach that seemed to trigger my tear-ducts as well. As Lela and Darren led me into off the bright and spacious nursery they’d obviously been saving for a long time, a couple tears slipped out. Thank fuck I didn’t cry properly…

I’d sort of bonded with the little thing, sick and tired as he or she made me, and now I was all sad about it. Boo fucking hoo, that was my fault. I let myself do that…and I shouldn’t have!

I might think I love it…but I’m also realistic which means I know that of course I’d screw this up, thereby screwing the kid up. I can’t take that risk. Not with my child. So Lela and Darren Fox it is.

05-20-18_9:23:32 PM.jpg

On my way out of the house, I still found myself wrapping my arms around my stomach, whispering in a sing-song, cloying tone that this will be your home, Baby. Still wanting to bond with it though that wouldn’t be possible, really. I’ve made my choice.

A/N: Yeah…it’s been a while. I’m really sorry about that, and I really hope it doesn’t happen again. The reason…well I wish I could say I was just busy, and I have been, but in truth it’s a little more.

Basically, it took me weeks to make one small story decision that delayed the release of more chapters.  Also, without getting into too much detail, my motivation to work on it wasn’t very high due to being a little insecure about the story, and tiredness. In that kind of mood it was way more tempting to just watch TV or play my fun save.

I would like to go back to a twice-weekly update schedule but considering I have an exam in 2 days, and nine more in June…that isn’t going to happen. Let’s just say the schedule will be ‘irregular’ for now – i.e. I’ll screenshot/write casually when I need some downtime after studying. I finish on the 22nd (edit: of June, if only it was actually May) so hopefully updates will be much more frequent from then to about October, when I start university.

7 thoughts on “1.13 – Good Parents

  1. I hope the baby will be very happy with Lela and Darren! 🙂 Congratulations on starting university! My school year ends on May 25th, then I’m on summer break! 🙂 Anyway, I hope that Sarai will still go to see her child, even if she doesn’t trust herself to raise him or her. Your story is very unique and I think you’re brave to write a character like Sarai, and you do it so well! I can’t wait to see more!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think the baby will be happy, so that’s good.

      Thanks for the congratulations. I’m pretty excited. Hope you have a nice summer.

      Also, thanks so much for the compliment about my story. One day I’ll check out your story as well.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I was a bit misty eyed at the end….my heart goes out to her. I could feel,her heart breaking. Worse than ever before. 💔 I’m glad you figured out the direction and will continue. Sarai was really pretty in this chapter. I hope she can eventually feel good about her decision. I wonder if as the baby grows she will change her mind. I think having the unconditional love of a child would be healing for her. It will help her see she isn’t unloveable. Than she can begin to like herself. But we will see what you have in mind..😀

    Congrats on starting University!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I feel for her too…hopefully one day she can make peace with her decision, whatever it ends up being.

      It might be a while before we see what happens…thanks exams. But I will definitely continue. My goal is to have her generation finished by September.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh my… Song lyrics came to my mind.
    “Fear the things you could achieve
    If you thought better of yourself;
    But you prefer to fuck up your mental health”
    It’s from a song called “Happy Meal” by Marina and the Diamonds, which I definitely think would definitely suit Sarai well at the moment.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s