1.14 – Someone To Talk To

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My daily jogs had recently slowed to, at best, brisk walks. I’m not even halfway through this pregnancy and I already feel like a blob 24/7. God, what the hell am I gonna look like once it’s all over?

The research into what actually happens during birth I did was scary enough. And I don’t even get to keep the kid at the end of it all…

I pinched my thigh. More flesh than usual. Great, I thought, now you’re a fat loser bitch who doesn’t have the guts to raise her own kid.

Not that I could ever do that right. I’d thought through everything a million times and I always arrived at the conclusion that Lela and Darren would do this hell of a lot better than me.

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“No way!” I heard someone exclaim. Was that directed at me?

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The speaker’s messy blonde hair and wide, sly smirk came into view. My heart sank because fuck, it’s Dianne. I haven’t seen her for two and a half years…I’d rather not think about that. So fucking embarrassing. Nausea swirled in my belly and I stared at the floor. Please don’t see me, please don’t see me, except she clearly already had, so my inner pleas just made me an idiot.

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“Well, isn’t this interesting?” Dianne laughed and gestured at me. “I would say ‘this must be why you were avoiding all of us’ except you’ve been doing that for years now, so…”

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“I was at Clarissa’s fifty-third…and that was ten months ago…” I attempted to chuckle about that realisation, but my jaw was so tense I could barely get a sound out.

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Dianne shrugged. “I wasn’t there. Clarissa’s a bitch so I didn’t bother. But now I think about it, Mom did mention you were there…y’know, I don’t even know…I mean, it’s you. I just-” She cast her eyes away from me.

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I folded my hands and began to step away from her.

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“Hang on.” She followed me. “This is just a guess but I think you have a lot on your plate with…this.” She indicated my stomach. “I mean…if you ever need anything, you can talk to me? OK?”

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My first thought was that it would be nice…to have someone. I didn’t realise I’d be so lonely while pregnant; it’s been me, and occasionally Alexis. She must hate living with me by now…it’s been forever. And who wants a pregnant roommate?

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“Sarai?” Dianne tapped my shoulder and raised an eyebrow.

I let out a tiny ‘sure’ and gave her my number.

There was an awkward silence.

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“Well…I’m going that way.” Dianne pointed in the direction she was facing. “Uh…see you around?”

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Oh for fuck’s sake, she’s just giving you pity. And you don’t even deserve that! Shame burned in my chest. A cousin who doesn’t even like me, who I don’t even know, is trying to be nice to me. Am I that fucking pathetic?

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A text came through. Dianne, sending me her own number.

There were so many things I thought of saying to her.

Maybe I’m sorry I’ve been such a bitch to you, all these years, you never deserved that. Or don’t bother with me, it’s no point. Or can we talk? I could use that last one. No-one but Kobe even knows I’m giving the baby up for adoption, and I don’t exactly want to have a heart-to-heart with him.

What’s the point of unloading all this shit onto Dianne? I’m a shitty cousin and a shitty friend. I’ve ruined every relationship I’ve ever had and it’s my fault. Though I could really use someone to talk to, but how is that an excuse to force someone to hang out with me? A someone who I’ve always been awful to…someone who approached me out of pure pity, because I’m pathetic. Better for everyone if I just deal with all this shit by myself. Well, everyone except me.

Fuck you, who cares, you deserve that, I said to myself.

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I put my phone away.

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The doctor came back into the room. “Would you like to know the sex?”

Lela and Darren had said they did, so I nodded.

“Well, Ms Hayes, you’re having a boy! Congratulations!”

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Before I could stop myself, I conjured up a scene, yet another fucking fantasy of me and my baby that would never come true. Technically, once I signed over my rights and the three days was up, the baby isn’t mine, can’t ever be mine, and I don’t have anything to do with it…or him...ever again.

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“Thank you, Doctor.” I said as I left the room. My mouth was trembling slightly, and my eyes burned. I squeezed them shut to avoid any tears. Again, fucking hormones.

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Lela and Darren were outside, waiting for me. They seemed so excited that it made me feel a little better…that was the upside to doing all of this…that and the fact that I won’t be around to screw up my kid like I screw up every other-

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“So? Sarai?” Lela’s eyes shone and she had a wide, toothy smile on. “How is everything?”

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“Baby’s healthy.” I confirmed, sinking into a nearby seat. “And the baby is also a boy.” I stepped back a little, trying to gauge their reaction.

“OK, OK.” Darren nodded slowly for a few seconds. “That’s great news!” He turned to Lela. “Lay, we’re – we’re having a son!”

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Her mouth dropped open like she found that out for the first time. “My God! Yes! We’re gonna have a son!”

I felt like an interloper, intruding in this joyful moment. They were hugging and speaking rapidly and I was sitting there. Not really thinking of anything, because I didn’t want to think of…

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“Nice to see you two; I’ve got to get going.”

“Oh, yes, now have a good day, get lots of rest, feel free to ask us if you need anything-” Lela gave me her usual spiel.

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How could you not want to do this, when they’re so happy, and so nice…far better for him than you, you screwup…it doesn’t matter how fucking sad you are! I thought it to myself as I began to walk back to work.

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I brought out my phone, which for five days now had held Dianne’s number. “You can talk to me, OK?” she’d said.

No fucking way she actually wanted that.

I texted her anyway. Nothing particularly deep at all…just three words. It’s a boy.

Maybe at some point I’d tack on and that doesn’t really matter because I’m not going to raise him.

Yeah, that was likely…

4 thoughts on “1.14 – Someone To Talk To

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