1.19 – Optimistic

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I kept on considering cancelling on the way to Dianne’s place. That little voice kept telling me that I shouldn’t go, that it makes me worse to go, because who would want to hear about your problems, Sarai? But Dianne cared. Mistakenly, I often thought.

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Holding onto our friendship was better than screaming at her and making up bullshit about how I didn’t actually like her, like I’d so often done before…add that to the list, I thought to myself.

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I tried to push it all away but the cruel little voice kept on saying you’re a screwup and I hate you and you’re terrible. The usual stuff…I’ve heard it all before.

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I made it to Dianne’s in the end, and sarcastically congratulated myself a little. Well fucking done, me, I managed to get to my friend’s house. Y’know, like normal people do?

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“Hi!” She was as perky and smiley as usual, and even though it was 2.30pm on a Sunday she was still wearing pyjamas. So, at least she’s not the one who took a three hour nap, came a sneering thought. “So what’s up? I’ve been kind of guessing…but I never know with you.”

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I bit my knuckle. “Can we sit?”

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“Sure. I wasn’t gonna like…hang out with you by my doorway.” We both laughed, though I had to force it.

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Maybe she thought we were about to discuss a job offer or a new man (as if) or…something positive. Therapy isn’t a particularly fun topic.

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“OK, what’s the thing? What’s the thing? You can tell me.” Her face was so open and kind and reassuring. I knew already that she cared but I really saw it.

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“It’s a downer…” I started. “Like, seriously. Serious downer. But I’m just…I…” I groaned and pulled at my hair. All my thoughts were telling me don’t say it, don’t say it, she’ll laugh, because it’s pathetic and you’re being a whiny bitch who thinks her life is so hard-

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Dianne shrugged. “So? I’d be a shitty friend if I wasn’t here for you when things aren’t so good, right? I mean, I will end up ranting to you when I inevitably break up with – never mind. Come on, you can talk about…whatever you want.”

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I latched onto something else she said. I wasn’t going to be a bad friend and ignore that. “What do you mean, inevitable?” I questioned. “I mean…I thought it were going well.”

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“It is.” Dianne rubbed her forehead. “It really is. I just…I don’t know, my track record hasn’t been good recently. Things always start so well, but then I…I don’t know. I get intense in relationships, and I always end up getting jealous about the stupidest shit…. it’s a problem, and it’s why I can’t – hey, weren’t we supposed to be talking about you?”

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I preferred this, even if I had no idea how to help Dianne. “Uh…this is fine.” I answered. “I mean…I haven’t had a lot of relationships…I don’t know what to do.” Try any

“Yeah. I can talk to someone else.” Dianne decided. You’re useless… why can’t you help?

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“Maybe don’t…think it’s inevitable, that it’ll end.” I surprised myself with that. “It could actually go well. If you really like Marcus then…try it. Like I said, it might be really good. Who knows?”

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She stared away for a second, her lips pursed and her brow furrowed. Then she smiled. “I will! Absolutely…” And she began to laugh. “I’ve never heard you be so optimistic before!”

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I laughed a little too, because really, I couldn’t imagine telling myself things like that. Because you screw everything up and she doesn’t, and that’s something you do know, I angrily reminded myself.

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“OK. Now let’s hear your thing. Talk to me.” she practically ordered.

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Perhaps it was wrong to think this way, but now I knew she had a weakness, I felt better sharing my own. “I…do you think I should get therapy?” I rushed out.

There. I said it. You shouldn’t have.

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Dianne went very still. She bit her bottom lip and let out a breath. “I’ll be honest with you…short answer…yes. You seem a little depressed right now.”

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No, you’re just whiny and pathetic! And for one wild moment I wanted to shout something along those lines at her. Instead, I gave a quiet scoff, and tried to smile a little. “No, no.” I backtracked quickly. “It’s not a big deal.”

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But it was, wasn’t it? Until Dianne reached out to me, I had no real relationships in my life, and there’s a huge gap in my soul and most of what I think about is how much I hate myself. The thoughts vary but it all comes down to you’re not good enough.

Because you’re not. And there it was. Being aware of the cruel little voice didn’t make it go away. And it doesn’t make it all less true.

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Dianne rolled her eyes. “It kind of sounded like it. And fine, maybe you’re not depressed. I don’t know.” She threw up her hands. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t go to therapy. I mean…don’t tell me it hasn’t been a tough time for you. You went through a lot in the last year.”

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Yeah, so do a lot of people, came a savage thought. You’re not special. You’re just a disappointing mess who can’t handle your own life and decisions. But even though that was all true, she had a point. Last year was eventful. And whether it was warranted or not, recently I had been sorta upset. “I mean…kind of.” I admitted.

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“I’ll just say this…if you think it’ll improve your life, you should do it.”

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“Right…” I was disconcerted by how normally we were discussing this. I bet she pities you now. 

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“And, for the record, I’m not judging you. I have like, three friends and two exes who’ve seen a therapist. I didn’t break up with them because of that.” she assured me, laughing a little. “Actually…I think Zac broke up with me. But never mind.”

I chuckled along with her. “Thanks.”

There was a pause.

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“And I’ve never seen College Cram.” I admitted.

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Dianne gave me a knowing smile. “Once I told a guy I read the entire War of Crowns series. Which I haven’t. He didn’t even like them that much.” She scratched the side of her head. “I don’t even know why I did that.”

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I swallowed as I approached the building. 107 Maple Lane, 1st floor. Dr Alessandra LeBlanc.

This isn’t going to work. It was a bad idea. Face it, you’re just pathetic. You’ll always be pathetic. 

But I’d spent way too much money to chicken out, and since I’ve already paid, what is there to lose?

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If it’ll improve your life, you should do it. I’d thought about what Dianne had said every day for a week. That’s probably what made me stick to this and actually get an appointment. Maybe it would improve my life, I’d reasoned. That’s what all those webpages said.

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It wouldn’t hurt to try.

6 thoughts on “1.19 – Optimistic

  1. Yay!!! Thank goodness she’s finally going! Dianne is a really good friend, and really Sarai’s only friend. I hope she learns a lot from going to therapy (like she’s not normal) 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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