2.3 – Don’t Wanna

I’m back sooner than I thought! Not sure how regular posts are gonna be but I had some sudden inspiration to get a bit of work done on this story! Hope y’all enjoy!

Also, C/W: Use of ableist slurs towards POV character in this one.

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There’s something wrong with me.

Of course the doctors already told me that last winter – ADHD – but now it’s SOMETHING ELSE wrong. So that’s TWO things wrong with me. At least.

Mom and Dad did everything I wanted this time cos I wrote all those dumb notes to their friends. The toys were pretty cool and I guess I kinda felt bad…

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Anyway then Dad made lasagne and brownies before Mom came home from putting Farrah at Auntie Kaylyn’s. So it was just us! We played loads of games…

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I got to eat loads of food and have soda!

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But it still felt kind of lame because the triplets weren’t there. I’ve known them forever but they’re really smart and I’m just NOT, even if Mom says I am. Whatever. Anyway, the triplets are always busy or maybe they just don’t wanna be around me cos I’m dumb but either way it makes me super lame.

Mom and Dad always taught me to be nice to everyone but all the kids in school just laughed at me. But then the triplets didn’t so I hung out with them for AGES but now I can’t anymore I guess. Boo.

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So I got sad at my new party and I didn’t wanna say anything but I think Mom noticed. She always figures out things like this and talks lots about feelings crap. I thought she was gonna do it but then she didn’t. I bet she does it tomorrow though.

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I don’t wanna have a talk! I just wanna be left alone! I want the triplets to want to hang out with me again! And I want mom and dad to stop fighting with each other! I can hear them downstairs. Farrah’s gonna wake up even though Mom said she needs to sleep lots cos she’s small.

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…I guess I can just sit with her until it stops.

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“Dad says we’re moving.” Baxter always talks first.

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“Something to do with Dad’s work.” Sadie said. “So we’re going to live in Riverview and go to school there. Sorry.”

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Flint shrugged. “Eh. It’ll probably be fun. I wanna get out of here anyway. Dad said we should tell you though.”

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“Well…thanks.” I couldn’t even talk right. Like Farrah. Even if the triplets talk about stuff I don’t understand and kinda laugh when I fail my homeworks because I forgot to do it or got distracted and did the wrong thing…I don’t want them to go! Who ELSE is there at school?

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“Anyway,” Sadie started going through Mom and Dad’s bookshelf and I didn’t know what to say! Mom always muttered angry stuff when I let them near it cos they take forever to give back her books. “Did your parents get anything new? I don’t get allowance until next week.”

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“We can’t take those, remember Sadie? Cos we’re gonna leave and we can’t steal Mrs Hayes’ books.” said Baxter.

“Oh.” Sadie frowned and put the book back. “What are we supposed to do then?”

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“I guess we’re gonna go home then.” Flint rifled through the stuff on the TV stand. “Where’s your phone?”

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“Kitchen.” I mumbled. Why can’t I talk right? Am I stupid? “But…you guys don’t have to go! We can play this new game I got – you have to put together a robot and-”

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“I can assemble a real circuit at home.” Baxter interrupted. “We’ll just go. See ya round, Eli.”

But I was NEVER gonna see them again. I just knew it.

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There’s sooooo many things on my stupid noticeboard! Cos I gotta go to school for fifth grade today and it’s the first day. Don’t really wanna go to fifth grade. Four grades is enough.

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Mom just rolled her eyes and gave me a bowl of weird oatmeal. I wanna decorate the table with it like Farrah is but Mom isn’t very happy right now. So I’ll try and eat SOME.

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“Eli…” Crap. There’s the I’m-mom-and-I-ruin-everything voice. “You – well, you don’t have time now.” At least she took away the gross oatmeal. But I had to put my book back and she said I couldn’t take it to school cos I’d just read it in class and not pay attention and forget things like I apparently always do which is what she said. Maybe I do, I dunno.

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“Hey. Spaz. Hey! Are you listening to me?” Casey yelled, waving his hand in my face. I thought he was gonna punch me. It’s so not fair! I WAS listening! I was just thinking as well.

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Liane and Aaron were giggling from across the classroom. The four of us are the ‘problem students’ according to every teacher ever but I’m not a problem on purpose like them! Anyway we all get paired together for work and stuff and it’s BAD.

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“Spaz!” Casey shoved me in the shoulder. Mom and Dad gave me a big lecture when I shoved him out of the chair last time so I didn’t do it this time. But I was so mad.

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“Eli’s such a retard.” Liane snickered.

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I hate fifth grade already. Mom said it’s too soon to say that cos it’s only been three days but I definitely hate it! Lots of kids, not just Aaron and Casey and Liane, call me ‘spaz’ and ‘retard’ now. I KNOW those are way worse than ‘weirdo’ or ‘dummy’. Doctor Jay said they shouldn’t be calling me that but what does he do anyway? He’s not here. He can’t make it stop.

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No-one did anyway even before they all told me about this ADHD thingy. The triplets used to just stand there.

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I guess they weren’t very nice friends. I said it to Mom in the summer and she made a huge deal and told me I could make better ones.

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None of the other kids want to be ’round me anyway.

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On Thursday I decided I was sick of this CRAP. So after Dad dropped me off I acted like I was gonna go sign in at school but then I RAN down four blocks to the old park. I don’t wanna be in school if everyone’s gonna be mean and my teachers make me work with Aaron or Casey or Liane.

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“Scram, kid.” said some way older boy. Even older than Colton and…Kaylyn’s daughter. I forgot again.

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“Aww.” This girl was COOING like people do to Farrah!

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I scowled. I’m not a baby!…Although I nearly cried last night so maybe I am.

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“How old is this brat? Seven? Eight?”

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“I’m ten!” I protested. I’m not THAT small! Or a brat…that’s Farrah!

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They all started jeering. “Ooh, ten! You’re really long in the tooth, kid!” What does that even mean? I touched my mouth and my teeth were still the right size. What?

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I ignored them and started playing on the monkey bars. They actually started being kinda nice and the girl said I was strong. And nobody called me mean names or made me do work or got annoyed when I didn’t do things in the ‘proper order’ like it says on my noticeboard.

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I decided I would stay there until lunch! PE is in the afternoons and I’m not bad at that and the mean kids pick on the REALLY weak kids instead of me.

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Dad asked me if I had a good day. I actually did…but parents ruin everything so I’m not telling him WHY I did cos I know it’s against the dumb rules. I’m totally going back to the park though!



2.2 – Effort

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It had been hard to keep my brave face on for the entire party. I had to act like our second celebrant wasn’t periodically running off and refusing to talk to anyone or look them in the eye.

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Sarai, calm down, there must be a reason for this, and you will talk to him as if there is one. There were still guests in the hall – Lotus Flower members at that – and besides, I’d always refused to yell at my children. This wasn’t even the worst thing Eli had done – no matter what he did, I wouldn’t break that rule. I swore it to myself years ago.

Lachlan and I had become bonafide experts in ADHD since his diagnosis in January. This wasn’t it. Something else was up. By the time everybody left, I was fuming at the kid. I’d tried so hard to put together some semblance of a celebration for him – I forwent my usual carob and coconut cake in favour of something way too creamy and sweet that I knew he’d like, I invited as many kids as possible…it wasn’t perfect but couldn’t he at least appreciate it!

Maybe I’d been selfish celebrating my own…no, it’s my birthday. I’m a person as well as a mother. It was OK to do this. But I’m still talking to Eli.

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“Elias Carson Hayes.” He was upstairs with one of the new toys he hadn’t even bothered thanking Bill and Charlotte for. “The party is over now.”

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He just gave me the most insolent look and mimed a ‘phew’ action – wiping his forehead with an exaggerated exhale.

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“Don’t look like that. What were you thinking this whole time? You didn’t talk to anyone. You didn’t even thank anyone for your nice gifts. What the hell has gotten into you, Elias?”

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“Maybe I didn’t want the dumb party.” he sneered. I clenched my fists, my nails digging into my palm – do not scream. Do not pull a Clarissa. You’re better than this.

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Taking several deep breaths, I continued. “I tried my best! I know it’s not exactly what you wanted but I did try! I invited some kids your age and I got your favourite cake! I’m sorry the triplets aren’t around for a party.” They got less likeable to me each year. Bart had straight up told me that they didn’t want to go to one of Elias’s parties. So I sucked it up and lied to my own kid. “But I did try, Elias.”

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He shrugged and sat on his bed. I followed. “Didn’t try hard enough.”

“No, Eli. That is not how you are to react to someone – anyone – making an effort for you.”

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“Fine!” he huffed. “Thanks I guess, Mom. Now leave me alone!”

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I didn’t budge an inch. “Why didn’t you like our party, Eli? Anger’s all gone. I’m not mad anymore.” I was, albeit less so, and finding out why Eli was acting out was more important.

“It was your party.” he mumbled. Aha, there’s something.

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“I know it was at first, but we went through this – I made it yours as well.”

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“Whatever!” He jumped up and stamped his foot. “You didn’t make it mine right! All the kids were horrible! It wasn’t fun. I did try and talk properly and make you and Dad happy.” he admitted, his voice breaking down into a sob. “But it wasn’t fun and I just got sad.”

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“Come here, Eli.” My heart lurched. I felt like the worst mother ever. “I’m sorry you were sad. I wish you would have said something instead of running off. But you know – if you’re sad you should just tell me instead of giving me attitude, hm? It’s better for both of us.”

“I don’t wanna be a baby.” he muttered.

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“You’re my baby, and I love you very much.” I rocked him from side to side, and he didn’t even try to wiggle out of it like he usually did for the past couple of years.

“Mushy, mom.” he said with a tiny scoff. I just laughed a little.

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“How about this?” I suggested. “We have a party of our own – me and you and Dad and maybe the triplets if they aren’t busy.” I already knew they would be. “Iris or Colton can watch Farrah for the night and Dad will make your favourite foods and we can do anything you like.”

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He instantly perked up. “Yes! But if the triplets come…don’t, like, be embarrassing…”

“Us?” I smirked. “Never. But there’s one condition.”

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Rolling his eyes, he sarcastically groaned, “Great!”

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“Look at these great presents!” Everybody had been so generous this year. I was still cringing a little inside because none of them got thanked. They must think I raised a really rude kid or something. “None of the people who gave them to you know why you ran off without saying thank you, so they’re going to wonder why. If you, over the next week, write them all thank you notes, we’ll have that party.”

He sighed. “OK, Mom. I’ll try.”

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“You’ll do it; I know you can.” I assured him. “Maybe we can put a little schedule on the board. There’s only…” I mentally counted. “Five. If you do one per night after all your homework, it’ll be like nothing – and you’ll have another party!”

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“OK.” he agreed. “Thanks Mom. And I’m sorry I got all freaked out.”

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“Thanks, Sarai. I know he liked it, don’t worry about it. I’m sorry about my tearaway kid.” Dianne was on the phone apologising for Caleb, who had spilled several drinks and tore down a set of string lights.

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“It’s alright, I expected this.” I said. “Seriously, don’t worry, Di. We both know that young boys don’t always behave right – look at Eli today!”

“Yeah, but he’s not just being a shit for the sake of it. I could tell he wasn’t too happy today…I really hope he settles. This whole ADHD thing is rough on him, I think.”

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“Yeah…” I sighed. My only plan for my kids is that they live happy lives, but even that simple thing seems quite difficult! “Eli hates being different like that. It’s been really hard. But y’know…hopefully he adjusts.” My son has never been good at taking big changes well. It took him a good couple months for him to even tolerate Farrah.

Of course, now he adores her…I don’t think he’ll ever love ADHD but hopefully he can accept and work through it.

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“Sarai, you’re a great mom, and we can all see how hard you try. It’s gonna be fine.” Dianne assured me. “I gotta go. Brice is leaving on another work trip. Sales conference in Pleasantview. See ya!”

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Now to clean up. I searched the entire downstairs for Lachlan, and when I couldn’t find him there, I went upstairs, even though I was sure he wouldn’t be there.

Except he was there, lying on our bed, facing away from me.

“I’m tired.” he immediately said.

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I shrugged. “So am I. We have to tidy, though.”

“This party was your idea.” he almost snapped. Rage welled inside me. Was he seriously gonna play that card with me? It was my idea but he said he wanted this too!

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“Are you serious, Lachlan?” I cried.

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“OK, I’m sorry. That was really shitty. But…I am just…exhausted. I don’t even feel like I can move. I’ll make it up to you.” He pulled the covers over himself and turned towards his front.

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He did look bad. He had since GreenBox downsized. I had a son sulking in his bedroom and a husband doing much the same one room over. Recently it felt like I was the only one trying in this house, spending my non-working hours holding my whole family up by a thread.

2.1 – Birthday

(Everyone’s ages – Sarai & Lachlan – 40, Elias – 10, Farrah – 3, Dianne – 42, Colton – 14, Caleb – 9, Clarissa – 70, Miles & Adela – 73)

(Also, sorry it’s been two weeks, tbh the reason there hasn’t been updates is because I bought a Switch and got really obsessed with it for a while because I haven’t had a console in so long. But I’m back working on this story now. Hope you enjoy!)

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When I went downstairs Dad was facepalming about something but then pretended like he wasn’t. Maybe he doesn’t want this party either. “Eli!” he said. “If you set the table in five minutes, we’ll let you have two pieces of Mom’s cake, OK?”

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It’s still pretty annoying that they’re so flipping obvious about doing what the doctor told them. I was almost tempted to pretend like I ‘got distracted’ and stop setting the table on purpose! Then I wouldn’t get cake though, and that’s the only good thing about this stupid party.

I’m turning ten and I have to have my party with my mom who’s turning super-old (or forty) anyway and is making me do this dumb party with her! It’s not even my party. It’s super-duper obviously hers but I guess she felt bad that the triplets couldn’t come on my actual birthday in a few days so she made me join even though that’s NOT BETTER. And I don’t really know anyone else.

I just know I’m gonna have to watch Farrah – still more fun than talking to all the boring adults! It’s funny. I remember when she was born I really didn’t want her, but I don’t really mind now. She can be kinda fun.

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“Play!” She can’t even walk right and it always looks like she’ll fall over. Mom and Dad just laugh when I say it and they say the same thing – ‘it’s cos she’s so little, Eli’. She was kicking this cat toy around and squealing.

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What if she falls?

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“Play!” she insisted, when I went to her. I didn’t really wanna say no.

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“Eli…” Uh-oh. She was using the Mom voice. “Why have you put all the cutlery on the floor? Come here, Farrah.” Farrah started crying! Moms just ruin things! Like when she made me stop doing swimming on Thursdays to go to the doctors. But I get to do it once school starts again.

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“Mom, let her play!” I protested. It’s so not fair! It was fun! And it’s apparently my birthday as well and Farrah’s my sister and I’m supposed to be nice to her anyway so why can’t we do fun things together? Someone should look after her cos Mom and Dad don’t even care right now. They’re doing stuff for the party. And I didn’t even mean to get distracted!

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“Sorry, Eli. We need to get ready.” said Mom. “When did she get that dust in her hair? If you’re going to play with your sister, try to keep her clean.”

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“Now pick all of this up and put it in the sink. Turn the water on and remember – don’t look away. I’ll get Dad to come in and help you but until then – don’t look away.”

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Doctor Jay said they only tell me this super-annoying stuff because I’ve got ADHD. Basically it’s just that I’m too hyper and I don’t get still enough or do the right things. But according to him and my parents I can, but I just have to try. Boring!

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“You haven’t flooded the kitchen, huh son?” Dad mocked me when he came over. I scowled. I was getting so sick of them!

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“I’m not stupid, Dad!” I snapped. “I can listen…sometimes. I just forget things and everything’s boring!”

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He held up his hands. “Whoa, sorry bud. I was just teasing you…thank you for washing all of the cutlery. That’s really helpful. Next time we go out, we’re gonna get you a soda.” Mom hates soda because again – moms don’t like anything that’s fun!

Dad wrote it on one of the sticky notes and put it on the board. The board is super sucky and boring and it’s full of sooo many things I’m supposed to do. The doctor told mom and dad that it would help me remember stuff but all it does is make mom and dad remind me of stuff I would have remembered anyway…maybe I would have.

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“Now go get your stuff out of the hallway. Auntie Dianne’s gonna get here in fifteen minutes.”

“Do I get extra stuff if I do it in fifteen minutes?” I asked. So I was kinda making fun…

“No. Just do it.”

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This has been the worst party ever!

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Random people that I don’t even KNOW keep telling me that I’ve grown lots and stupid sappy stuff. I don’t care what you think! And I know I’ve grown lots since whenever in the Dark Ages you saw me last so don’t TELL ME.

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Caleb and this other kids, Yann, were being really mean and tried to push me off the monkey bars. But that wasn’t very long cos then Mom called all the kids for lunch. Colton and Iris just talked to each other. They’re pretty cool…so they don’t wanna talk to me. NOBODY who’s cool actually does.

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And THEN some other kid (Dani or something) started chatting to Caleb. He stopped being nasty with Yann but then he wouldn’t even talk to me and just talked to Dani the whole time! And everyone else who’s not a grown-up is Farrah and Jacob who are super little anyway. They played together. It’s so not fair. Farrah doesn’t even talk properly and she has a friend here and I…I don’t.

So I was just sat eating lunch in silence apart from when my parents told me to get back to the table even though it was boring.

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Then Mom brought out the cake, which was really good, even though I’m only allowed one bit because I didn’t set the table properly.

“Happy birthday to you…happy birthday to Sarai and Eli!” They all had to rush out MY name. It sounded stupid and it just reminded me that it’s not even my party.

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Me and Mom blew out the candles, and the second I sat down something cold hit my lap.

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“Oops.” Caleb snickered. He’d thrown my drink at me on PURPOSE! Dani and Yann fell about giggling. I wanted to punch them right there and then – I swear I could have.

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“Screw you Caleb!” I yelled out. Some of the adults looked at me so I didn’t say anything else.

“Maybe that wasn’t very nice.” Dani considered as I tried to dry my trousers.

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“W-whatever.” Caleb had this gross cocky look on his face. I wanted to hit him. “He’s just a freak-boy who I could totally beat in soccer even though he’s a whole year older than me AND his mom makes him skip all the practice so he can go to the nuthouse!” he jeered.

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I couldn’t even look at anyone after that. It looked like I PEED myself and it wouldn’t dry! And Dani and Caleb wouldn’t stop laughing. I decided right then that I was just gonna sit by myself and eat my cake when I FINALLY got some and drink the lemonade Auntie Dianne gave me.

I felt so pathetic. I must be really pathetic if this is my birthday.

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Then I realised all my fun gifts were inside waiting to be opened! By ME! “Bye-bye!” I yelled, and I got to run away from the boring adults and mean Dani and Caleb and the dumb party that wasn’t even mine.

Mom and Dad were yelling after me but I didn’t even care. Cos I’m DONE…even though I left my DS outside. Oops.


2.0 – Bad

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Elias’s Weekend News – 3rd March

I can still remember the stupid talk Mommy and Daddy did with me AGES AGO..and now things are even WORSE then I thought it was gonna be! They lied It’s so not fair! And its all FAHRA’s folt anyway! She just crys all the time and I haer it at nit nd can’t sleep

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Mommy said that she was gonna have another baby and I was a bit confused and then they said all this stuff about how they love me but they also love eatch otherr and they want a second baby and it’s gonna be my lil sibbling but I don’ want it

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“Hey bud.” Lachlan came up behind his son and ruffled his hair. “How are you doing on the homework?” He looked over Elias’s shoulder and tried to make out his large, messy scrawl. Kid’s only six after all, he thought.

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“I’m not done!” Elias cried, covering his workbook with his hand.

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It didn’t matter. Lachlan had seen enough. At least Eli was voluntarily doing homework, but the rest of it worried him. He took the seat next to his son. “Maybe leave it for now, Eli…we should-”

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“I have to.” Eli softly protested. “The triplets are gonna get really good marks and they’re gonna ask me ’bout it and I don’t wanna be bad!” he cried.

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“You’ll never be bad.” Lachlan assured his son, patting him on the shoulder. “You’re trying very hard at this and I know you’ll get a good mark. And your friends aren’t trying to make you feel that way either. They’re just proud of their own marks-”

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“It’s not like that though!” Eli wailed. He jumped up and started to run off. Lachlan immediately followed, pulling his son into a tight hug. “I don’t know how to write or do math good and they can all do both and they think I’m stupid!”

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“They don’t think that. You aren’t. You’re a really smart kid, Eli. And sometimes you can’t write down your ideas as well as the other kids…but that doesn’t make you any less smart. Your mom and I know you’re amazing.”

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“Yeah.” Eli mumbled bitterly. “But you still put Farrah here.”

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“Eli, having another kid doesn’t mean we love you any less – we love you and Farrah equally. I know it’s been a bit hard so far, but things will change. Farrah needs a lot of help right now ‘cos she’s so small, but she’s gonna grow up and we’ll have more time for you. I know we don’t do lots together since she was born but we didn’t stop loving you.”

“Ok.” Eli muttered, staring at the floor.

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“Now,” Lachlan began. “Are you sure that’s what you want to write about? I don’t think it’s making you feel very good.”

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“I don’t know. Nothin’ else has happened anyways.”

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With a sinking feeling, Lachlan realised it was true. Eli’s weekends hadn’t been much fun for the past month. But it was only 1pm on a Sunday. Plenty of time to do something. “Again, I’m sorry, bud. We’ve just been very busy with your sister. But it’s not too late to find something. Maybe we could call your Auntie Dianne?”

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“No!” Eli yelled, stomping his foot. “Don’t wanna go there.”

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Lachlan raised an eyebrow. As far as he knew, Elias had been fine staying with Dianne and her boys when both parents had to work. “Are you sure?”

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“No!” his son insisted.

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“…Oh, OK. How about we ring the triplets’ mom?”

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Eli shook his head and picked up the notebook. “It’s OK. I’ll just do the writing. Upstairs.”

“Hang on…is that a new notebook?”

“Yeah.” Eli quietly admitted, refusing to look his father in the eye. “Lost the other one.”

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“Don’t you need that?”

“No.” Eli answered almost immediately. Lachlan resolved to talk to his son’s teacher about that one. Eli lost everything, it seemed. The problem was only getting worse.

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“I just saw Eli running past here…he looks so upset, Lach.”08-14-19_9:59:54 AM.jpg

Lachlan gave a heavy sigh. “He is, sunshine. He’s written all this stuff about how he hates Farrah and we lied to him about what it was gonna be like.”

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Sarai looked stricken. “Oh…have we done something wrong? I tried so hard to explain it right…but he’s still so young!”

“He’s having a hard time with Farrah. He’s so upset he won’t let me call Dianne, or Bart. He doesn’t wanna see other kids right now, I guess.”

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“Well…Colton’s so much older. And from what I’ve seen Caleb can be a bit loud for our Eli. And he really doesn’t have much in common with those tiny geniuses!” she replied, shaking her head at the mention of the Freeman triplets.

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“He normally likes them…” Lachlan considered. “I guess six-year olds are pretty changeable, so-” He cut himself off when he saw his wife’s tears. “It’ll be ok, ‘Rai. He’ll get used to Farrah-”

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“What if he…he doesn’t think he’s good enough to be with his cousins and the triplets?” Sarai whimpered.

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“The thought crossed my mind as well.” Lachlan admitted. “But I think we’re projecting. He’s a happy kid most of the time. I think he’s just adjusting.”

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“He better be. He can’t grow up feeling like we did.” Sarai wiped her eyes. “But I think you’re right, it’s just – stupid hormones.”

“It’s not like you had a baby a month ago.” Lachlan joked.

“Maybe we can put him in sports.” Sarai suggested. “I know Di already takes Colt and Caleb. She wouldn’t have to watch him for the whole evening on Tuesdays and Thursdays…”

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“It’ll focus him too hopefully, the kid never remembers what he’s doing! I don’t know who taught him to use the microwave but I’m getting sick of opening it to see cups of forgotten milk or old chicken nuggets!” Lachlan exclaimed. Sarai giggled.

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“Yes, I think we’re doing what we should be, with him.” she considered, sighing. “I just hope it’s enough.”