1.6 – Incredible

(Warning for one NSFW screenshot.)

 

“But why?” Damion asked, insistent. And fairly irritating at this point. “I don’t understand this, Sarai. I’ve had a lot of fun with you. You seemed to…as well…I just…”

He was sweet, actually. Maybe not so irritating, and he seemed to like me. Why? “It doesn’t matter.” I told him. “I…I don’t want to do this anymore. Don’t you respect that?”

“No, no, of course. I’m…just confused. I thought we were really clicking and-” Don’t say it.

I had to interrupt him. I never wanted a relationship and Damion was a pretty great guy, so…well, even if I did want something serious I wouldn’t tie him to me.  “Yeah, it was fun, but we’re not doing this anymore.”

“Of course…did I do something wrong?”

“No.” I answered, almost immediately. The ‘no’ fell out of my mouth before I even thought about what to say.

I scrutinised the few memories I had, of our little restaurant date and all the hooking up. And nothing was really ‘wrong’ in all of that. But it didn’t matter. I had to end this.

“So then…” Fuck, was he going to ask me to reconsider? Say please stay and I really, really like you or the worst thing, something no guy should ever fucking say to me because it couldn’t, shouldn’t be true, I love you.

Of course, it would be nice to hear it but it just means that I’m in too deep, and they’re probably in way too deep as well. You don’t deserve him, said a little voice in my head. I always heard that line from myself, and I’m damn sure that I’m right…

“Goodbye, Damion.” I quickly slammed down the phone. I tried to ignore the twinge of pain I felt at letting him go. He was fine. And very sweet. But I didn’t need him, and he definitely didn’t need me hanging around. After all, I…well…I’m…just not worth it, right?

Shit, I was so right when I said ‘no’. It’s good for us both…

“Sarai, girl, are you OK?” Tatum bounded towards me, grinning about something. She’s always so fucking happy… “Did you finish ditching that guy?”

“Yeah.” I answered, throwing my hands out slightly. I knew how dull my voice sounded, but I couldn’t make myself sound better. Ending things with Damion was supposed to be a relief. I thought it would feel so good to just let go…he was getting too attached, wasn’t he? And that was something I one-hundred percent disliked. It definitely made sense to ditch him…

But if I was honest with myself, I wasn’t feeling good at all.

Tatum was raising her eyebrows at me. “You don’t sound pleased about it…weird. Dumping a loser is one of the greatest things to do. Period. It’s like a huge weight just falls off your shoulders. You look like someone added more on.”

“Damion isn’t a loser though.” was all I offered up.

“OK…well, Christ, Sarai, what did he do?” Tatum narrowed her eyes and spoke in a disbelieving tone. Probably thought I was in denial of my poor choices or something.

…I’m actually well aware of them all.

I stared up at her, silent. There was nothing I could say to that. Tatum was right. Even I thought the same as her, less than twenty-four hours ago.

“Nothing? Really? You’re…I’ve got some cookies going. Want some?”

I automatically said, “No thanks.” Though she had made amazing baked goods in the past…

She’s pretty incredible herself, actually, with a lucrative accounting job and a long-term boyfriend who she didn’t push away. I sometimes thought about what it would be like, to just have someone always in my life like that. Even just a friend. Then again…I suck at that. And I definitely don’t deserve…

“Come on. Let’s hash this out.” Tatum sat down next to me. “Cookies can wait. We’re friends, right? You can tell me what’s up.”

I froze, and all I could think about was getting away.

“It’s alright.” I forced a light tone. “I…have to go anyway…it’s a work thing.”

I think she caught my lie…she didn’t seem very happy as she walked back to the kitchen.

Why the fuck did I do that? Shouldn’t I have been trying to make things go well with Tatum? I guess I’m still, well, me…

I was so relieved when her spare room came through. After Caden’s visit, things between Clarissa and I got frosty. Colder than normal, which said something…anyway, it’s bliss not living there, and not having to deal with her and her opinions of me.

It’s always about my job, and Sarai why are your relationships so…unstable, and of course she’s still bitter that I dropped out of college. I’m not supposed to care about what she thinks, and I manage that alright, but she still always gets under my skin.

Whatever. Another day, another fuck-up – doesn’t mean I need to think about Clarissa. I’ll just do something else…

---

 

“Hi Sarai!” Zoe called out as she came up behind me.

I raised a hand and headed the furthest corner of the gym. After all, I came here to be alone. “Hey, Zoe.”

She walked towards me. “Do you wanna hang out after my class is done? There’s a really great new vegetarian cafe on 7th-”

Why is she being so nice to you? How and fucking why would she actually wants to befriend you…,I thought. “Uh…I can’t. I’ve got plans with my roommate.” I quickly answered. I hadn’t even thought about what to say…again, a lie just fell right out of my mouth. Guess I’m garbage by default.

“All right. See you ’round.” She looked almost disappointed.

Probably because she knows I’m a fucking piece of shit liar, somehow!

Well, whatever, it’s too late now, isn’t it? Not that I was ever going to go to a cafe and eat vegetarian food with her or whatever…that’s not even fun. Right?

Instead I just ran and ran until my chest burned and my feet ached, and then I felt sorta fine about everything I’d just done. It wasn’t even that big a deal, dumbass…but it had seemed like it was, at the time.

Well, what was I gonna do now? Not like I’d ever admit it to them…too much of a coward. Just a liar, and a bitch.

I stared at the floor.

The little voice in my head ranted at me. I hate you. I really hate you, I thought savagely. A few tears sprang to my eyes.