1.6 – Incredible

(Warning for one NSFW screenshot.)

 

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“But why?” Damion asked, insistent. And fairly irritating at this point. “I don’t understand this, Sarai. I’ve had a lot of fun with you. You seemed to…as well…I just…”

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He was sweet, actually. Maybe not so irritating, and he seemed to like me. Why? “It doesn’t matter.” I told him. “I…I don’t want to do this anymore. Don’t you respect that?”

“No, no, of course. I’m…just confused. I thought we were really clicking and-” Don’t say it.

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I had to interrupt him. I never wanted a relationship and Damion was a pretty great guy, so…well, even if I did want something serious I wouldn’t tie him to me.  “Yeah, it was fun, but we’re not doing this anymore.”

“Of course…did I do something wrong?”

“No.” I answered, almost immediately. The ‘no’ fell out of my mouth before I even thought about what to say.

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I scrutinised the few memories I had, of our little restaurant date and all the hooking up. And nothing was really ‘wrong’ in all of that. But it didn’t matter. I had to end this.

“So then…” Fuck, was he going to ask me to reconsider? Say please stay and I really, really like you or the worst thing, something no guy should ever fucking say to me because it couldn’t, shouldn’t be true, I love you.

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Of course, it would be nice to hear it but it just means that I’m in too deep, and they’re probably in way too deep as well. You don’t deserve him, said a little voice in my head. I always heard that line from myself, and I’m damn sure that I’m right

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“Goodbye, Damion.” I quickly slammed down the phone. I tried to ignore the twinge of pain I felt at letting him go. He was fine. And very sweet. But I didn’t need him, and he definitely didn’t need me hanging around. After all, I…well…I’m…just not worth it, right?

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Shit, I was so right when I said ‘no’. It’s good for us both…

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“Sarai, girl, are you OK?” Tatum bounded towards me, grinning about something. She’s always so fucking happy… “Did you finish ditching that guy?”

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“Yeah.” I answered, throwing my hands out slightly. I knew how dull my voice sounded, but I couldn’t make myself sound better. Ending things with Damion was supposed to be a relief. I thought it would feel so good to just let go…he was getting too attached, wasn’t he? And that was something I one-hundred percent disliked. It definitely made sense to ditch him…

But if I was honest with myself, I wasn’t feeling good at all.

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Tatum was raising her eyebrows at me. “You don’t sound pleased about it…weird. Dumping a loser is one of the greatest things to do. Period. It’s like a huge weight just falls off your shoulders. You look like someone added more on.”

“Damion isn’t a loser though.” was all I offered up.

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“OK…well, Christ, Sarai, what did he do?” Tatum narrowed her eyes and spoke in a disbelieving tone. Probably thought I was in denial of my poor choices or something.

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…I’m actually well aware of them all.

I stared up at her, silent. There was nothing I could say to that. Tatum was right. Even I thought the same as her, less than twenty-four hours ago.

“Nothing? Really? You’re…I’ve got some cookies going. Want some?”

I automatically said, “No thanks.” Though she had made amazing baked goods in the past…

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She’s pretty incredible herself, actually, with a lucrative accounting job and a long-term boyfriend who she didn’t push away. I sometimes thought about what it would be like, to just have someone always in my life like that. Even just a friend. Then again…I suck at that. And I definitely don’t deserve…

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“Come on. Let’s hash this out.” Tatum sat down next to me. “Cookies can wait. We’re friends, right? You can tell me what’s up.”

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I froze, and all I could think about was getting away.

“It’s alright.” I forced a light tone. “I…have to go anyway…it’s a work thing.”

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I think she caught my lie…she didn’t seem very happy as she walked back to the kitchen.

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Why the fuck did I do that? Shouldn’t I have been trying to make things go well with Tatum? I guess I’m still, well, me

02-21-18_9:03:58 PM

I was so relieved when her spare room came through. After Caden’s visit, things between Clarissa and I got frosty. Colder than normal, which said something…anyway, it’s bliss not living there, and not having to deal with her and her opinions of me.

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It’s always about my job, and Sarai why are your relationships so…unstable, and of course she’s still bitter that I dropped out of college. I’m not supposed to care about what she thinks, and I manage that alright, but she still always gets under my skin.

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Whatever. Another day, another fuck-up – doesn’t mean I need to think about Clarissa. I’ll just do something else…


 

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“Hi Sarai!” Zoe called out as she came up behind me.

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I raised a hand and headed the furthest corner of the gym. After all, I came here to be alone. “Hey, Zoe.”

She walked towards me. “Do you wanna hang out after my class is done? There’s a really great new vegetarian cafe on 7th-”

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Why is she being so nice to you? How and fucking why would she actually wants to befriend you…,I thought. “Uh…I can’t. I’ve got plans with my roommate.” I quickly answered. I hadn’t even thought about what to say…again, a lie just fell right out of my mouth. Guess I’m garbage by default.

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“All right. See you ’round.” She looked almost disappointed.

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Probably because she knows I’m a fucking piece of shit liar, somehow!

Well, whatever, it’s too late now, isn’t it? Not that I was ever going to go to a cafe and eat vegetarian food with her or whatever…that’s not even fun. Right?

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Instead I just ran and ran until my chest burned and my feet ached, and then I felt sorta fine about everything I’d just done. It wasn’t even that big a deal, dumbass…but it had seemed like it was, at the time.

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Well, what was I gonna do now? Not like I’d ever admit it to them…too much of a coward. Just a liar, and a bitch.

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I stared at the floor.

The little voice in my head ranted at me. I hate you. I really hate you, I thought savagely. A few tears sprang to my eyes.

4 thoughts on “1.6 – Incredible

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