1.18 – Why Am I Like This

I tried put a lot of that outing out of my mind. It was a regrettable experience, and I’d realised it wasn’t a real solution to anything at all.

I used to think I felt better when I was with a man. But once I was alone again the high faded and I was left as just…me again.  How did it take so damn long to realise this? Am I actually just stupid? Why can’t I find something that –

You’re so whiny, I said to myself.

Work and exercise would have to do for now, wouldn’t they? It had always been the best thing to do whenever I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I hate myself and everything I’ve done wrong and the people I’ve let down, except then I’d still end up thinking about it.

And recently I was managing to keep up a friendship with Dianne, who I don’t deserve in the slightest but she’s somehow still around…but I don’t see her as often as I’d really like. It is fun, but often I sit there thinking both why don’t you leave and please don’t leave, somehow at the same time. Gets kind of stressful. (Why can’t I be happy around other people who I actually like? What’s wrong with me?)

I used to try and tell myself that I was fine the way I was, hopping from person to person. It was their fault. They tried to cling too tightly and they shouldn’t have bothered. I don’t need them. That was the narrative. Later on, I stopped trying to cover it up. You don’t deserve them, wasn’t that the reason all along…?

One thing was clear: it’s not just the adoption. I’m just…like this. I’ve always been like this.

You will always be like this.

---

All day, I’d wanted to talk to someone about my little revelation, but who? Alexis…no, I don’t even know her that well even though we’ve been roommates for over a year now. Clarissa? Please.

I wasn’t going to spring this on Dianne. I didn’t want to inflict myself on her; she was so happy recently. Half our time together recently had been me listening to her gush about Marcus. I didn’t mind. Her cheery mood was enjoyable, and I wasn’t going to rain on her parade.

So I sat in my bedroom instead. On my bed…

Then at the desk I barely used…

It was really boring.

I got out my phone and typed ‘why am i like this’ into the search bar. I wasn’t sure why. I was just really bored.

(Also, why am I like this?)

There were a load of videos and memes at the top of the page. The first webpage result had the headline ‘What is wrong with me? Why am I like this?’

There were lots more headlines like it. I’m sure you’re all fine people. I thought it about all the nameless, faceless people who had posted. Yeah, unlike you, was another sneering thought running alongside it.

I put ‘what’s wrong with me’ into the search bar next.

‘Health, help, happiness and finding a therapist!’ came up.

A therapist…maybe…I could feel a bit less shit? I don’t know…

Because I don’t actually need therapy, do I? I’m OK. I function and generally do well enough at life. Apart from getting pregnant unexpectedly and then losing it over an adoption that was totally necessary…which you absolutely knew! 

But that’s all over now, and life’s back to normal. There’s people who have it a lot worse than you, remember that, I reminded myself. I’m lucky. I grew up comfortably and I have a fairly stable job. Isn’t my life fine?

Well sure it is…but maybe it could be better. For one thing, I could stop feeling the urge to sleep with random guys just because I need to be wanted. Wouldn’t that be a nice start?

But you’re not doing that again anyway, you decided, and you’re fine, I reminded myself.

My phone beeped with a reminder.

Shit! Evening class! Go! You’re about to be later because you were too busy whining…

---

On Sunday, I taught my usual morning yoga classes and then slept for three hours…because what else was I going to do? And I’m always so tired.

I was picking at lettuce leaves when my phone rang; it was Dianne. I’d stopped deliberating before answering her calls. Just because you need her, I tauntingly thought as I picked up the phone.

“Hey, stranger. What’s up?” she greeted. “No, but seriously. How are you?”

“Uh…I’m alright.”

“Cool. Cool. Hey, do you wanna go see the new College Cram movie? It’s on near you at 7, I think. I know they’re really stupid but it’ll be fun.”

“Guilty pleasures, what can you do?” I chuckled nervously. “They are…pretty stupid. Yeah.” Damn! You could have just said you’ve never seen any of them. What the hell is wrong with you?

There was an awkward pause.

“Sarai?”

“Can I talk to you? Face-to-face?” I suddenly blurted. Wait! Shit! We’re not even that close! I can’t just ask her if I…

Well, it’s not like you have anyone else. The cruel little voice was laughing. Could it just…shut up?

“Yeah!” Dianne sounded a lot happier about my request than I expected.

She’s faking it, she pities you-

“No. Wait. It’s fine. I’m sorry. You’re probably busy-”

“Well…let me see. It’s Sunday afternoon, Marcus is out of town and I’ve done nothing all day but watch episodes of Beautiful Deceivers.” she answered, laughing a little. “I’m completely free.”

“It’s fine. Watch your TV show.” I immediately replied.

What am I doing? Why would I ask to talk and then immediately start backtracking and blowing her off? Seriously, why am I like this?

“Sarai! It’s not even a good show! I’m really bored. Seriously, let’s hang out!” She sounded frustrated. I could picture her rolling her eyes, and throwing her free hand out in an annoyed gesture.

“Sorry. I’ll be there soon.” I told her.

Dianne didn’t argue. I hung up, grabbed my hoodie, wallet and phone and left the confines of my room behind.

I don’t even know how I’m going to say this shit…but I think I need to say it. Or I might just never know…

Probably ruin her day. Go home.

I looked up at my apartment building. Going home sounded really unappealing. I want to see Dianne; why can’t I let myself?

So many thoughts told me that this was a bad idea, and I shouldn’t bother. I’d ruin her Sunday. She’d think I’m as pitiful and pathetic as I think I am. We’d stop hanging out. Things would get weird.